Dear Facebook Dad...

Dear Facebook Dad,

In reference to your newly viral video: Well said, my friend, well said. I am, however, going to stop short of saying well done. Let me qualify that by saying that I feel your pain! I am currently on my 8^th 15-year-old, and if I’ve learned nothing else, I can tell you that as a parent, it’s a shitty age. I can tell you that as far as an attitude goes, your daughter is dead center of the bell curve. Probably the poster child for all that ails that particular age group.

I can tell you that my first run in with this attitude was a 15-year-old know-it-all who called me a lazy bitch. Me…the single parent of my nine kids with no child support from their father, working more than full time - on a farm, no less, - in school part time, building my family a house with my own hands in my off time…a lazy bitch. Hmmm. What to do. That was back in 2003, and she got a backhand across the mouth. The second time a kid put me in their sights as the target of all their teenage rage came down to one of us leaving the house in handcuffs…and although it should have been, it wasn’t her. I found that 15-year-old boys who have out-sized me are not easily extricated from cars to get their ass back in the house “because I said so”. These are just three highlights from the adventures of 15-year-old kids in my parenting career.

As I said, I am on number eight, now, and I have never raised a hand to this kid, and rarely raised my voice. Not because she is a perfect child, or somewhere out on the edge of the aforementioned bell curve, but rather because I have learned something over the years of dealing with this attitude.

The first thing I realized, is that they all have it. They all go through the ‘Mom and Dad are such schmucks’ stage to one degree or another. They are full of hormones and angst and we are convenient targets.

Secondly, and more importantly, they outgrow it. Oh, there are plenty of people who outgrow the attitude, and go on to adopt even worse ones, of victimization and anger toward everything.  But most of them grow to realize over time that they were brash, immature, and just plain old nasty to their folks. For some it takes longer than others, but it happens. Life is not static. It’s ever moving forward.

Third, I have learned that my response to their ugliness will by and large set the stage for the next few years of their teen-hood, and their launch into adulthood.

What you said is absolutely true, and I hope that the many who see this will take note of the generation of kids we have raised, who have a sense of entitlement that I cannot even fathom. As a Facebook video, it was a “Go DAD!” moment, because you acted upon something that we all WANT to do when we come up against the same thing. And if this were a movie, we’d all cheer you on. But I do suspect that this is a reality. That you are a real person, with real frustration, and a real father/daughter relationship at stake.  And there is a reason why we don’t go out and act upon the violent urges we have.

Anger begets anger. As I indicated above, I am not some hippie who does not believe in corporal punishment. It’s just that I have learned how to make it pretty much unnecessary. I have learned that we are not raising kids…we are raising adults. I’ve learned, further, that parenting as a means of controlling another person just doesn’t work as well as parenting as a means of teaching our children to take responsibility for their own lives, and this is far more profitable when taught via our actions rather than our words. They are not always listening, but they are watching, whether they admit it or not.

I am not presuming to know the “right” solution to this kind of issue, but what I am suggesting is that shooting the computer was probably akin to poking the bear with a stick. You pissed me off, now I’m gonna piss you off…the start of what I hope for your sake won’t be a life-long pissing match between you and your daughter. At some point, someone has to give, and let me tell you, that as the parent to take the “high” road, and not respond in-kind to their nastiness generally diffuses a situation in the end.  Never, and I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of karma for these kids.

Had I handled the altercations, insults and disrespect from my teenagers in the manner that I wanted to – (and shooting their stuff was probably high up on my list, too!) – I might not have the friends that I have today in my grown children.

Most of us were/are able to parent and discipline in the privacy of our own homes. And while I applaud your intentions, this action, especially having gone viral, is going to live for a long, long time, immortalized in video on the internet for all to see. You are now the new hero to a million parents out there, who actually DID what we all fantasize about doing, to the cheers of the same.

But what about the kids? While they may gasp or chuckle at the video, the comment that keeps repeating is “I’m glad I’m not HER!”  It would seem that your actions may have served to widen the rift between parents and teens in a day and age where teens need the input and guidance of their parents more than ever. But that cannot be accomplished when we are at war for control of their lives and attitudes. They need to trust us. They are moving from a stage of dependence to independence; from depending on us as their parents, to depending on themselves. And through the teen years, their brains are not even done growing, for heaven’s sake! They need as much wisdom as we can possibly expose them to. If they see us as the enemy, how will they trust us to guide them? They won’t.  In fact, too often they will do the polar opposite of whatever we say just out of spite. And we end up having to look on while they charge headlong into walls and box canyons in their lives. Trust me, the lamentation then is not that I did not ground them longer, or discipline them more severely. It will be a sorrow that we do not know this person better…and that this person does not hold us in esteem…this person has no clue how very much we love them.

Whether you were aware of it or not, the fact that your video has gone viral is about to rain upon you more publicity that you could possibly imagine. You will now be the poster child for parents “striking back” against their children. My guess is that this is not what you intended. But like it or not, you are about the get your 15-minutes of fame. What will you do with it? Everyone is listening now. Expect the calls from the media…everyone from Oprah to Tosh.O. What will you tell them? You’ve got the mic…what do you really want to say?

Will you continue to promote parental tactics that further alienate our teens, creating the “Us vs. Them” mentality that seems to have been embraced by so many? Or will you share what it’s like to have your entire life invaded by the masses via video – and perhaps rethink whether or not we need to dip to a level of anger that ends in destruction? Maybe that laptop with all it’s new gadgetry would have been better off donated to someone who genuinely needed it and appreciated it. Perhaps your daughter could be signed up to go on a mission trip to a Mexican orphanage for a season, or volunteered at a homeless shelter to see how the other half lives. Maybe a job at a nursing home should be mandatory,  rather than being confined to her room/home – the last place she wants to be. The very place where teens seethe and plot their courses to go as far away from us as possible.

Motivated by an anger than so many of us clearly understand, we have punitively shown our children what they do not or no longer have.We take their freedom, their toys, their power.  Perhaps it’s time for someone to take the pedestal and suggest that we should count backwards from 10, find our motivation in our LOVE for them, and show them what they DO have.

Goodbye...Again...

This was so unexpected. My 5^th child, 3^rd boy, left yesterday to join the army. It’s been talked about for months, and prepared for, and is certainly no surprise. We have objectively discussed his plans and just lived life through his last weeks and days here. And then the day arrived. 

Shouldn’t this be the same as when all the other kids left? I’m no stranger to this, after all. I remember saying goodbye to my oldest as a daily presence in my life after my divorce when he was 14 to live with his grandparents. Angry and displaced, we missed a few years, but we worked it out. I suppose I was too over-worked and over-stressed by the other eight kids to miss him terribly. That sounds bad, but I wouldn’t trade the relationship I have with him today for anything. We talk daily, and he’s the most together kid there is. And at 27, father of two, he’s not really a kid anymore. 

My daughter and son at 16, leaving in fits of pique to live with their father…while the pain of having them leave was palpable, it was made bearable by the fact that you knew they were off to learn a lesson. They were angry – at me. The grass was greener over there, for sure. But I knew that pasture well, and it just has a lot more shit on it to step in. And with all the responsibilities still loaded onto my plate, again…it was as much stress relief as it was painful to watch them struggle in their new free environment. And again, when I look back, there are no regrets – my kids are my best friends. 

My second daughter, needing to leave home at 15…not in anger, but in determination. A determination and calling that cannot be ignored, despite what the memes of society say. I recall the tears as I left her 1800 miles away on a Texas ranch, staring out the train window, and wondering how this would all turn out. I knew it was the right thing…regardless of how much it hurt my heart. Time has shown, we backed the right horse.

But this…this has been different. I woke up the night before he left, and cried. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to write him a note, but the words would not come. Back and forth to bed and the kitchen. His little sister can’t sleep either. We hug and cry some more. Why? This is crazy – I’m just not given to these outbursts.

The alarms all go off before the sun is up, and I get Phil out of bed to say good-bye. Friends have gathered here to see him off. The recruiter is a few minutes late, and Phil’s bus arrives. It was touching to see him hug and kiss his brother, and Phil tells me later he was trying not to cry.

The recruiter arrives and gives me emergency details, which I really don’t think I’ll need. He tells me his itinerary, and I am holding back a deluge of tears, and I don’t really know what to do with them. I watched my boy get into the car, smile, and wave. See you soon, kiddo. I love you….

It’s taken a day to process this all. Like a holiday, only no one else is observing it. I headed to the kitchen and produced stuffed green peppers, dried pineapple, brussel sprouts, bran muffins and home made bread and rice. And kept the kitchen clean to boot. And all the while I contemplated this shift.

Nine kids is a bit of ridiculous number of children to have, and I never did wrap my brain around the empty nest thing. How could I? I could only imagine a day of no kids about the house! The ins and outs of the older kids to date have been more or less breaks in the action – but there was still always action, whether they were there to add to it or not. But these days are a little slower.

I don’t have to get them up and ready for school. I don’t do their laundry. I don’t keep track of all their hats, mitten and gloves, and yes, I’m the lazy mom who doesn’t even attempt to keep up with their academic litter. In the early stages of letting the older ones go, I started to let go of the little ones, too, in a sense. Giving them a little more personal responsibility than perhaps they wanted.(Resentments they will just have to get over – I did the best I could.) But with the needs that Phil has, they see up close and personal that I simply do not have time to cater to needs they can take care of themselves. Welcome to the adult world. It’s always been my philosophy that I am not raising children…I am raising adults.

And then I contemplate my latest child’s departure. Why this difference? Because this dynamic was so different. This child – number five – whose home birth I actually enjoyed; who ushered in a part of my life that made me who I am, and pushed all the limits of what I could do; whose memories are so fond; who smiled so early in life and never stopped; who watched observantly as his siblings tripped and stumbled; who determined to avoid the pitfalls they found; who stepped up to his responsibilities as an older sibling to the best of his ability; and who has been a daily presence in my life for the better of 20 years…is going his own way.

No…for me this is new. This is not familiar. No anger, no arguments, no “I know better than you” bullshit. Nope – this is the way it’s “supposed” to be, you see. They go to all 12 years of  school, have a job at the grocery store, have learned the basics of how to take care of themselves and then leave to pursue higher education, a job or the military…right?

But that’s not how it’s been. As my kids have decided to leave home, they have done so with as much frustration as hope, and as much anger as enthusiasm. A teenager spewing insults at you for your parenting mistakes as they perceive them is far easier not to miss. Especially, as I mentioned, in light of all the other kids I had to take care of. I didn’t miss the drama, the arguments, or the stress. Most of it got internalized to that space between awake and asleep where you wonder where they are and how they are doing. The missing them was more than made up for when they’d show up on the doorstep, or on the phone with a problem only Mom could help them with. And while I wished I didn’t just have to be on the clean-up crew of their fragile independent lives, you can’t help feeling in that letting-go-of-the-angry-teen process, that they are going to learn the hard way….and that is okay. You asked for it, kiddo…you got it.

But here in lies the difference. Life is never “fair”. Not even for the kids who leave home the “right” way. Reality still runs at you and tries to bite at times. But I want the world to be fair to this kid. It’s not that I don’t want this for ALL my kids…of course I do. But the way in which each of them chose to declare their independence  has had everything to do with their attitude. Those who went out swinging have been knocked on their asses a few times. Thinking life was a game to be conquered, they are finding out it’s far more a story to be written. What can I expect now for the kid who is going out into the same world, now, with a smile, a handshake, and high hopes for his journey in life? In the military?

In a house that grows quieter by the year, his presence has been pleasant and steady. His diplomacy appreciated – and in all our time together nary a harsh word between us. Disagreements, to be sure – but always in the context of a reasonable discussion. Even though he was not here a whole lot since his summer graduation, he was still around. The chauffer, the errand-boy, the fill-in-the-gaps and pick-up-the-pieces kind of kid.

He is going now to write his own story – apart from mine. The same as his siblings. His younger siblings are not so young anymore, and my life will simmer down another notch. One less set of footsteps around the house. No more bounding down the stairs, as only he can do. His story will begin to take shape – and I want him to be happy. I want him to succeed. I want life to respond in kind to him for all that he has put forward in his life to meet it with: Love for family, grace, and positivity. So happy to think that these laws of reciprocity will come into play for this middle child of mine…so sad to no longer have this person as part of my daily experience…who could ever make sense of all these tears?